Thursday, September 26, 2013

You Are What You Eat

Some sayings in life never fail to really just make me sit back and over analyze the shit out of them. Take the saying "you are what you eat", for example. What does this even mean? Does this mean that I'm a massive bucket of hummus right now? Because let me tell you something, cliche lords, I ate hummus with pita for two out of the two and a half meals I consumed yesterday. Not that I would mind being a bucket of hummus, because lezbihonest who doesn't love hummus, (If you don't, I assume you have zero soul. Kidding... not really.), but really I think we all know that even taking the size of my ass into consideration I don't think it's possible to actually be a bucket of hummus.

Maybe this is me once again over analyzing things, no actually it definitely is, but this is my blog and this is something I feel fit to be discussed. You are welcome.

So, I typically don't make my food choices much of a legend of the hidden temple around. No purple parrots, no blue barracudas, just straight up winning gold monkeys with all of my bagel bites pendants of life. Instagram is also a place on the interwebz I, for some reason, feel the need to profess my culinary adoration on. Yes, I fully admit that I'm one of the Instagrammer's whose camera roll has a wealthy compilation of #foodporn photos creeping around. Sorry I'm not sorry. I have a real sassy palette, what can I say?

So let's take some of my most popular Instagram #foodporn meals and see what they have to say.

Bagel Bites
"Hey people, whaddup, the name's BaBites and I prefer getting my bake on in the oven over that fake bakin' microwave nonsense. Sometimes I come accessorized with things like pepperoni but, never get it twisted, I'm always delectable. Speaking of delectable, I'm at my best after I've just taken a little dip in a lake of ranch dressing, in case you were wondering. I can impress your friends when paired with a glass of Chardonnay but I'm also always available for a midnight snack. Call me maybe?"

"RAWR. Me is chikken. R so dey tell U, hue man. Me like hot box above stove. Me taste guud 'n all da dippin sauces. Catch up is dino's faborite. Me make you look sofisikated. Rawr. Have me N-e meal. Rrr."

Birthday Steak
"Why hello there, guest, welcome to my most humble abode. Tis me, that delightfully grilled to perfection piece of quality beef, pleasantly perched upon this fine china. I enjoy long walks on the farm beach and dancing in the marinade rain. Though I have an area code that may cost you a little more to call, I'm well worth the extra money it takes, just ask your good pals Beyonce and Jay-Z. (I hear they're big fans of me.) Not to name drop, I just can't help it that everyone wants me. I'd love to meet you over a bottle of fine Pinot Noir, I'll bring the garlic. Ciao!"

"Oh hi. How are you doing? Around here I really prefer things to be conducted in a neat and fashioned manor. Please, keep your things to yourself, in your prospective cubbies, and everything will be ok. 'Hands to yourself' is one of my favorite mottos and I truly believe everyone should live by it. Being organized doesn't have to be expensive, give it a shot."

Eggs Benedict
 "Goooooood mooorrrrrning!! The sun is shining and so is this delightful blanket of hollendaise draped upon my poached little belly. Nothing makes me happier than a side of breakfast potatoes and fresh fruit, they're my homies! I love mornings and sunrises and hot sauce and bacon. Sometimes, only on the weekends though (I promise, mom.) I like sharing the table with my best friend, Mimosa. We always have a really great time and everyone always seems to love our relationship. Visit soon, XOXO!"

And then I wrote an entire post from the perspective of some of my favorite foods and realized I have lost my mind. I'm off to try and find it. Happy almost #backthatazzup Friday.
See you tomorrow.
Focker out.


  1. September 26, 2013 at 10:17 AM

    I am the world's largest French fry

  2. September 26, 2013 at 10:24 AM

    Well this is pretty much the most genius thing ever. And I completely agree, Bagel Bites should always be baked in the stove and dipped in ranch. always.

  3. September 26, 2013 at 10:28 AM

    I'd be yogurt, apples, and coffee. Wide awake and regular. TMI?

  4. September 26, 2013 at 10:28 AM

    Wow, you must really have run out of things to write about! Hahaha!

    Mmm, love me some eggs Benny smothered in hollandaise. *drool*

  5. September 26, 2013 at 10:28 AM

    Where's the Mac and Cheese woman?!

  6. September 26, 2013 at 10:29 AM

    I would be Sonic Ice & pain killers. Garlic Hummus with a little margarine and a squeeze of lemon over steamed broccoli is the best, ps!

  7. September 26, 2013 at 10:29 AM

    I eat my little girls Dino nuggets all the time, I realize they make them in non Dino shapes but really what fun is that?

  8. September 26, 2013 at 10:41 AM

    I used to love bagel bites! I can't eat wheat anymore so that rules them out now. I have found some really good gluten free chicken nuggets from Wegmans though!


  9. September 26, 2013 at 10:44 AM

    Ha! It'll actually be pretty amusing to look back in twenty years and wonder "Why the heck were we all so obsessed with photographing our food?!?!" (and yes, I totally insta that all. day. long.) :)

  10. September 26, 2013 at 10:49 AM

    I'm a giant platter of sushi / bottle of chard. yum.

  11. September 26, 2013 at 10:49 AM

    The stove always wins when making anything of the pizza variety.

  12. September 26, 2013 at 10:58 AM

    All that good looks so good! I think right now I would be a big block of cheese and maybe a pickle! Pregnancy cravings are the best!

  13. September 26, 2013 at 11:15 AM

    Ha..this is awesome. I don't know what I would be. A banana? Maybe some hummus or carrots. Hmm. I love this post though!

  14. September 26, 2013 at 11:20 AM

    Ranch dressing lake... now is that in Michigan?

  15. September 26, 2013 at 11:23 AM

    I would be a potato of a block of cheese most likely. Homefries, french fries, mashed, I like 'em all. And cheese. Who hates cheese?!

  16. September 26, 2013 at 11:38 AM

    i want hollendaise draped upon my poached little belly... i mean, that's weird, right?

  17. September 26, 2013 at 12:28 PM

    I wish your post was a menu right now, because I'd order OOE.

  18. September 26, 2013 at 12:32 PM

    I have not thought about legends of the hidden temple in years. Thanks for that. My day is made.

  19. September 26, 2013 at 12:58 PM

    But seriously...bagel bites are delish.

  20. September 26, 2013 at 1:05 PM

    I like your Dino Nugs self and suggest trying them with honey mustard. You may kick ketchup to the curb! Wonder what my grocery store deli sub and bag of doritos self would say right now?

  21. September 26, 2013 at 1:17 PM

    Can you please do one where you talk from the perspective of different alcohols??? please?

  22. September 26, 2013 at 1:21 PM

    Glad to see that I'm not the only 20+ year old who still eats bagel bites and dino nuggies. Also, gotta have my Spongebob mac n cheese and all it's powdered cheese glory.

  23. September 26, 2013 at 1:23 PM

    You have seriously lost it. It took me three tries just to read the ghetto dinos trying to talk to me. I do really REALLY love the Hidden Temple references though. That was my jam in can back in the day. And now I'm pissed that I currently can eat ZERO of these things. Bitch.

  24. September 26, 2013 at 1:43 PM

    I'm going to throw some knowledge at ya real quick. Ready? Too bad, let's do this:

    Your body actually regrows every organ in it (or on it, skin, too) within certain periods of time by replacing it with new cells. Cells that were created based on the food you eat. IE: You really ARE what you eat.


    Also, I'm currently on a low carb diet and this post just made my mouth drool and me hate my life.

  25. September 26, 2013 at 2:30 PM


    Also, I just died reading eggs benny all over again. Dead.

    I'll eat a bucket-o-hummus all day er'day. Now I'm pissed that I don't have any at work.

  26. September 26, 2013 at 3:11 PM

    I so want Everything hummus right now!

  27. September 26, 2013 at 3:11 PM

    I so want Everything hummus right now!

  28. September 26, 2013 at 3:11 PM

    I so want Everything hummus right now!

  29. September 26, 2013 at 3:13 PM

    That eggs benny makes my mouth water. Delish!

  30. September 26, 2013 at 3:16 PM

    When I was little I told people if they slice me open tacos would pour out.

  31. September 26, 2013 at 3:35 PM

    currently I am one big ass poptart (strawberry with icing and sprinkles) and wait for it..uncrustables?! What the....

  32. September 26, 2013 at 3:45 PM

    This made my day reading this! I love that you can do that. Also Eggs Benedict is my FAV!

  33. September 26, 2013 at 4:02 PM

    I read the steak one in Scott Disick's Todd Craines voice from KUWTK. (aka high pitched english accent) "It's me!"

  34. September 26, 2013 at 4:04 PM

    I love this post! Oh my goodness I ate so many dino nuggets about a year and a half ago when I was so broke because it was only like $8 for a big ole box of them!

  35. September 26, 2013 at 10:04 PM

    Looks very similar to how I eat but I don't get to eat eggs benedict as often as I would like lol :-)

  36. September 26, 2013 at 10:48 PM

    I must be delicious because I eat some delicious crap!

  37. September 27, 2013 at 8:55 AM

    while i am a huge fan of this post i must curse you because i now want all of them.
    so i'm currently scheming how to make it all happen.

  38. September 27, 2013 at 1:04 PM

    Hmmm, my god.. Looks so yummy! I like your blog, it's funny!

    x your newest follower

  39. September 27, 2013 at 8:45 PM

    Bagel bites and eggs Benedict both make me very happy!

    Sparkles and Shoes

  40. September 29, 2013 at 9:18 PM

    I'm kinda in the mood for Bagel Bites now and the dinosaur....iheartdinos.


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