Thursday, October 24, 2013

Housewife, I am not.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I decided to submit myself to some torture by means of "deep cleaning" my entire apartment. It was a Wednesday, I was doing fine on energy, I had nothing else productive to accomplish, and my apartment hadn't been "deep cleaned" in about 6 months. It was time, to say the very least.

My idea of "deep cleaning" is something along the lines of doing more than just some light vacuuming, changing out the sheets, flipping on my Scentsy warmers, and shoving nonsense tchotchkes (definitely had to Google that to find the correct spelling) in drawers to make my little one bedroom, Princess Palace, appear clean and organized. I guess the only issue with my typical method of cleaning would be that I'm not really doing much cleaning and my mess still continues to grow even though I convince myself I've taken care of it. My bad.

Dusting. Who does that? 
Vacuuming behind things. Really, who does that?
Wet Swiffering the floors... HA. HAHA.  

Oh, and yesterday I found out that removing the cushions from the couch and cleaning under them is actually something adults do. Or are supposed to do. Get outta town, Sweet Brown. 

But I did it. I did it all yesterday. Actually, that's a complete lie because I didn't even make it to my kitchen or the horrifying mountain of laundry I've got going on in my closet. But, after four solid hours of cleaning, a few really questionable finds, and back pain that could bring a sumo wrestler to tears, I was over it and I needed all of the wines pronto. It was then I understood exactly why people pay other people to come do all of this nonsense around the house for them. 

Well, quite actually, it might have been the strange array of stuff I managed to find in the abyss of my grey couch that really made me understand why people pay other people to come clean for them. I don't even feel comfortable going into detail about exactly what it was that I found under there, mostly out of respect for my immediate family and just how embarrassing it would be for them to claim me once I admitted to said sofa filth. Let's just say that one year of couch use equals you need to clean under that shit.

So, yeah, housewife I am not.

Also, if your vacuum is on the "hard floor" setting, it will not work on your carpet. Which will lead you to find more disgusting nonsense while trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with your vacuum, all while in reality nothing is wrong at all. Great. 

I really need to train these dogs how to clean. It's the least they could do after the roof over their furry heads that I provide, as well as the consistent meals and turkey jerky. At least I think that would be the fair trade. 

Then again, I'm still trying to train Ella to refill my wine glass for me. Which is still a work in progress, if you were wondering.

Go clean under your couch cushions. 
Just be careful, you never know what could be waiting to bite your hand off for you under there. 


  1. October 24, 2013 at 10:56 AM

    That picture of your dogs is the most adorable thing I've seen in a while!! They always have the sweetest looking faces!!

  2. October 24, 2013 at 11:04 AM

    Tip: Buy a couch that doesn't have removable cushions. Problem solved! Only down side .. can't make forts with your couch cushions.

  3. October 24, 2013 at 11:10 AM

    Come deep clean my apartment for me. Bring wine. Kthanks.

  4. October 24, 2013 at 11:13 AM

    My husband and I both work full time and we have a cleaning lady come 2x a month to do the deep cleaning! Best money ever spent! And it's surprisingly not that expensive Depending on who you use (we use someone privately not from one of the big companies like Molly Maids or Royal Maids)

  5. October 24, 2013 at 11:13 AM

    I found a shit ton of food under my cushions, which Harlow immediately ate.... And then I threw up.

  6. October 24, 2013 at 11:17 AM

    I'm going to need you to tell me what was under the cushions...and I'm not ashamed to admit that I wish you just found me hiding under there.

  7. October 24, 2013 at 11:18 AM

    Oh my soul. I love you.
    My hubby and I both work full time and our little one bedroom apartment looks like a tornado took over... at least it's easier to find things that way!

  8. TKOctober 24, 2013 at 11:19 AM

    I am now scared to clean under my couch cushions.

    My idea of 'hard core' cleaning is getting on my hands and knees to clean the bathroom tub (something I rarely do). Honestly, one of the reasons why I think living with a significant other would be awesome is that they can help you clean. It all gets done in half the time and you have the rest of the day to play video games ^_^

  9. October 24, 2013 at 11:20 AM

    I am always forced to look under the couch cushions because I know it's a sure way to find some extra money that falls out of the boys pockets! Sweeet! But don't worry, as soon as I find what I'm looking for, I quickly walk away pand pretend that I didn't see all those extra surprises that were staring at me!

  10. October 24, 2013 at 11:21 AM

    I'm obsessed with your lamps! Where did you get them?!?!

  11. October 24, 2013 at 11:26 AM

    I once dated a guy that took the couch cushion covers off and washed them every Sunday. What. THE. HELL?!!?!?

  12. October 24, 2013 at 11:31 AM

    haha, exactly why I fork over the cash for cleaning ladies!

  13. October 24, 2013 at 11:40 AM

    My version of cleaning is watching netflix and pretending to vacuum. Soulmates?

  14. October 24, 2013 at 11:43 AM

    Cleaning blows. I hate it. And now that we have an adult person couch instead of an ugly piece of crap, I'm supposed to vacuum that too? Hate it. It was better when I could drink while doing it. Also, if you figure out how to get your dogs to clean, let me know. I've been trying to train my free loader Border Collie for years. Also, please let me know the backlash you receive from some douche who starts a Facebook war over you thinking dogs can clean houses. :)

  15. October 24, 2013 at 11:45 AM

    I clean houses on the side...and I've seen A LOT of yuck...seriously the type of stuff that they should have cleaned before the cleaning lady came...yaknowwhatimsayin? Anyway...I bet it feels good to get some cleaning out of the way...I've got a lot to do at my house but Lord knows when I'll find the time and these darn kids just keep making messes! Love the new blog design btw.

  16. October 24, 2013 at 11:45 AM

    I'm suprised "that's where that was!" Didn't make the list :)

  17. October 24, 2013 at 11:51 AM

    Agree. To all. I always think those thoughts most when doing the bathroom.

  18. October 24, 2013 at 11:56 AM

    You. Have. Dog. Stairs. I'm dying, I love it.

  19. October 24, 2013 at 12:01 PM

    What Stephanie said. ha. dying. plus, I also abhor cleaning and I actually am a housewife so i guess I mucked that all the h up. But the cool thing is that my husband hates how I clean the bathrooms "they're not clean enough" and then he just does them. genius plan of sucking worked in my favor. I win.

  20. October 24, 2013 at 12:02 PM

    I avoid looking under couch cushions like the plague, even though our sofa is still really new and it shouldn't be gross yet. But I had to go searching for the TV remote the other day and had to stick my hand in the crack and it was terrifying and now I'm really curious what it is that you actually found in there.

  21. October 24, 2013 at 12:04 PM

    I will do 1 load of laundry and vaccum the living room and tell my husband, "I cleaned ALL day!" LOL! BTW, I want that rug!!!

  22. October 24, 2013 at 12:10 PM

    My first year not living with my parents resulted in me surrounded by so much mess and total filth that I would have disowned myself if that was a real thing. The things I saw when I finally did a deep cleaning ... scarred for life, and that scarring is in the form of cleaning on a regular basis so the horror NEVER happens again!

  23. October 24, 2013 at 12:10 PM

    Do what I did... marry a man who cleans. Best decision of my life.

  24. October 24, 2013 at 12:11 PM

    Cleaning under couch cushions is terrifying!

  25. October 24, 2013 at 12:14 PM

    Hilarious! After baby #2 comes, we're totally hiring a cleaning service to come bi-weekly. B/C really, I will NOT have time for that. And you should see how filthy my ceiling fans are. Honestly, nobody even touches them...I don't understand how they get so gross!

  26. October 24, 2013 at 12:18 PM

    I've got a cleaning list/schedule that use so I only have to do like 5 little things a day, and my house stays relatively clean, even if I have 2 dogs, 2 cats, and a baby.

  27. October 24, 2013 at 12:40 PM

    Once when I was moving to a new apartment, one of my man friends came over to help move my bed. (Not in the awesome way.) My truly stellar "I am totally an adult!" housekeeping skills were showcased when he lifted up my mattress and found half a Pop Tart between it and the box springs.

  28. October 24, 2013 at 12:48 PM

    Um, I need Ella's distance relative if you teach that betch how to fill up your wine glass.
    Shit. They don't make dogs like that in Kansas.
    Also, please note the pun on betch & bitch. I can't even handle myself today.

    xo fal •

  29. October 24, 2013 at 1:02 PM

    cleaning is the worst. i put it off as long as possible and then i instantly regret putting it off for so long. i have also asked my dogs to help, but no luck so far.
    -- jackie @ jade and oak

  30. October 24, 2013 at 1:13 PM

    Once you go housekeeper, you never go back!!!I It's worth every stinking penny!

  31. October 24, 2013 at 1:23 PM

    okay im totally going to be judged for this but when my nailpolish starts to chip, i usually start picking it off and throw it behind the couch where im sitting (SO BAD I KNOW) so about 3 months ago Kurt and I decided it was "finally time" to clean behind the couch (who does that one sees it!!) He's like Erica, whats all this pink stuff webbed into the dust bunnies? I shrugged my shoulders and he looked at me all, OMG its nail polish you are gross!!!!

    So since then he watches me whenever he sees me peeling off my nail polish. He also gets me a paper towel to put my polish on instead of behind the couch like a wild animal lol

    but yes....who moves things to clean behind them anyway?!?!

    i bet the princess palace looks amaze no matter what!!!


  32. October 24, 2013 at 1:24 PM

    oh and let me just add this is MY OWN COUCH...i dont do that in other people's house obviously LOL

  33. October 24, 2013 at 1:26 PM

    Looks like you should teach Bear how to clean. My boyfriend is a cleaner so every time he visits me he cleans my apartment, even if I have done it recently!

  34. October 24, 2013 at 1:26 PM

    I've seen people who have their dogs trained to get beer out of a cooler and that shit is crazy, and come teach mine. I'd like to know what exactly you found under that couch cushion... It's always nice when you find money but I'm guessing that's not what it was.

  35. October 24, 2013 at 1:28 PM

    Since I've "been on vacation" since August, I haven't even cleaned the room I'm staying in. I'm dreading getting back to a house with a husband, dog, and two kids. Woof.

  36. October 24, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    My room looks so clean one day out of like thirty days, and then I get dressed the next day and it's all down the drain. Or, the laundry's done & I decide to take a nap in the toastiness, instead of actually folding the pile.

  37. October 24, 2013 at 1:42 PM

    Your dogs are soooo cute! I get sick super easily so I have to obsessively clean my apartment because I've found that I don't get sick as much then, it's a pain in the ass though!


  38. October 24, 2013 at 1:43 PM

    I always feel like my dog should at least do the dishes once in awhile after all I do for her but still...she refuses to do anything more than push my dirty laundry into a nest and lay in it. Ugh.

  39. October 24, 2013 at 1:59 PM

    Love the rug. Those dog stairs are so funny, I am sure my pups would love if I gave them a little boost with steps! One of my dogs hides his kong in my couch.. then forgets where it is and I always know where to look.

  40. October 24, 2013 at 3:57 PM

    If you think cleaning is bad got worse when a toddler was thrown in the mix. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to create every toy on earth to have 23094823098 parts to them? When people come over, we shove all of the mess that's in the middle of the floor toward the walls of the living room and pretend it's supposed to be like that. It's quite horrible and I'm not sure I'll ever have a clean space ever again.

    PS. This is shameful that I'm posting this on here and please don't hate me for doing so. But, I think this koozie might be just what the doctor ordered. For your Miller Lights at least.

  41. October 24, 2013 at 4:13 PM

    oh lordy, I HATE cleaning and doing domestic things like laundry and vacuuming. I do like to cook, so I guess that is sort of redeeming. But otherwise, I'd rather do pretty much anything EXCEPT laundry.

  42. October 24, 2013 at 4:28 PM

    Get a roomba. Its pricey,but it is the single best investment I ever made in my general cleanliness. now I can pretend that I vacuumed when all I really did was hit a button and watch Bravo.

  43. October 24, 2013 at 4:37 PM

    Once again proving our twin-ness. This is exactly what happened in my apartment last night. Tonight its the second floor that will be tamed. Pray.

  44. October 24, 2013 at 6:40 PM

    I do all of these things. Not because I'm a housewife, or a, you know, grown-up... I do it because I get obsessive compulsive about seeing at hair on things. It's bad.

  45. October 24, 2013 at 8:14 PM

    and here is where we differ greatly...Saturday is deep cleaning my apartment day....i let it all pile up all week, but Sat is cleaning day and I LOVE IT!!! i can't stand going thru the rest of the weekend with ish all over the place...congrats on cleaning thou :)

  46. October 24, 2013 at 8:35 PM

    I always feel that way - I am never going to do this again!

    Sparkles and Shoes

  47. October 24, 2013 at 8:56 PM

    Glad I'm not the only one who hates/procrastinates cleaning! Also, the little baby doggie stairs - so adorable!!

  48. October 24, 2013 at 9:15 PM

    Wiki just confusedipated me on this "tchotchkes". You'd enjoy having me around for "deep cleaning"-- it happens on a daily basis here because I'm McAnalson because crazy stuff like dusting and such.

  49. October 25, 2013 at 12:02 AM

    Honestly for me cleaning is a mood thing, unless of course I really just have to clean something (like everyday dishes, ect). But when the mood strikes ya better watch out cause I'm gonna clean everything!

  50. October 25, 2013 at 9:47 AM

    Deep cleaning is something that is reserved for the days that I am trying to procrastinate doing something else, like studying. I thought cleaning under couch cushions was only when you needed change for something?

  51. October 25, 2013 at 12:59 PM

    I'm constantly telling my dog to earn her keep... she looks at me like she doesn't know what I'm talking about but she's watched me clean a billion times. She managed to learn how to spell (T-R-E-A-T-S, W-A-L-K, etc) she knows each of her toys by name, she's smart but not smart enough to use the vacuum? Totally not buying it.


  52. October 25, 2013 at 2:38 PM

    I had to Google tchotchkes to see what that even meant, ha ha! As for how you say it.. uh no clue.
    But yeah, deep cleaning sucks. I actually clean houses for a living and I hate it.. but it pays the bills ha ha.

  53. October 25, 2013 at 6:48 PM

    I saw recently that some Jerky for dogs, I think only the ones from china I donno?? They have been getting dogs sick. So Be careful and make sure it's not the brands that are contaminated and what not!!! <3

  54. October 25, 2013 at 8:12 PM

    Housewife I am not either! The princess palace is looking spectacular!

  55. October 25, 2013 at 10:46 PM

    your blog is hilarious - I love it!!

  56. October 25, 2013 at 11:38 PM

    I'm am right there with ya...minus the wife part

  57. October 26, 2013 at 1:59 PM

    Your living room is so cute though! I love the rug and lamps .. and the little steps for your pups! I tried to use steps for Brutus to get into bed, but his fat ass busted them the first time he tried to walk up :) Have a great weekend!!


Thanks for the love - I love hearing from each and every one of you. It makes my day!