Thursday, October 17, 2013

Reasons I Hate Halloween

Fall is, debatably, one of the greatest seasons of the four and I think just about every pumpkin spice obsessed blogger will agree with that sentiment. While I can agree there's just something about Fall that makes everything seem a little better, there are also a few things I will never, ever understand.

You see, I'm what most of you would call a "pansy", or another P word for those of you who share my affinity for dirty words. For the longest time I avoided Halloween like the plague because people in costumes scare the living shit right out of me. And I'm not talking about just the scary costumes. Oh, no. I'm the 26 year old who will consciously take a longer path at Disney if it means I can avoid one of those creepy fucking characters in those furry costumes with the massive heads. Like, why? Why are these things haunting me while I'm just trying to get my drink on around the world?

True story, one of my best friend's birthdays a few years back she wanted to go to Epcot and drink around the world because it was Food and Wine Fest. Of course I agreed to such a request because it was her birthday and me being the fabulous friend I was, I took one for the team. (Or maybe I just really love any excuse to go to Epcot... nah, just an amazing friend, of course.) By the time we got around to Paris we were good and toasted, which is pretty common for those of you who have never experienced Food and Wine Fest. My friend decided we NEEDED to get a picture with this Marie, cat, thing... which meant I was going to have to stand next to, what I assume is a pedophile in a cat costume, and pretend I wasn't secretly peeing myself.

If you can look at that thing and tell me there's not someone up to no good under there, you are living in pure denial. Nothing about this is ok.

Which brings me to Halloween. I hate it, if we're being honest, and here's a few reasons why:

I've pretty much already covered this one, but I just need to touch on it one more time. Scary costumes make me pee pee my pants, always. The fake blood, the crazy make up, the creepy ass white contacts. Make it stop because all of it haunts my dreams and I'm tired of it.

Adult diapers, isle 2.

Haunted Houses
No, just no. I don't even want to go near anything that starts with the word "haunted", ever. Back on the Disney thing for just a second, The Haunted Mansion ride scares the bajesus out of me and it's meant for 10 year olds. It's dark and things pop out at you and people appear in mirrors. Just no. That shit's scary, I don't care what you say.

And don't even get me STARTED on the Tower of Terror. I wouldn't touch that ride with Godzilla's toenail.

Strangers Knocking On Your Door
I feel dog owners will feel me on this one. Seriously though, whose bright idea was it to have strangers not only come on your property but then continue to knock on your door as if you've known each other for decades? The dogs go nuts, you have no idea who's actually on the other side of the door, and there's a good chance you haven't had nearly enough wine to act as if you're excited they've caused a scene of chaos on your doorstep.

So, yes, I'm the douche canoe neighbor who turns off all of the lights and makes my house look as uninviting as humanly possible. You're welcome. Also, no, I have no milk or sugar for you. Bye.

People Taking All Of Your Candy
It's a rare occasion when I purchase any type of candy to come stay at my house with me for a while. A very rare occasion. Mostly because I have a vicious sweet tooth and if it's in my reach, there's a good chance I'm not going to turn it down. Which, in return, means my ass will continue to grow larger and then my pants wont fit and that would make me a very sad little unicorn. With that said, if, on the rare occasion I decided to bring some Reese's in my house, I don't want to share. Ever. Not even a little bit. Not even a green Skittle or a yellow Starburst.

Four for Whitty Coco and none for you, Beggy Wieners. Bye squared.

Halloween Horror Nights
Why, just why. What in the actual fuck is with Halloween Horror Nights and why is it still a thing? Finding a photo just to add in this post was enough for me to need a serious hug and possibly 4 consecutive shots of Fireaball. And then there's the commercials which put me in a place even the most powerful of Xanex prescription couldn't fix. Even just the radio commercials. No, just no. There's screaming and there's creepy voices talking to me and there's god damn scary people in scary costumes who look like they actually want to rip out my soul with their horrifying hands.

And don't even get me started on the stories I've heard of what actually happens when you attend such an event. Psychopaths running at you with axes and CHAINSAWS? Get out of here. Get all of the hells out of here. Don't pass go, don't collect $200, just get the hell out. of. here.

I Can No Longer Be A Whore
Hashtag throwback Thursday... see what I did there?

And then there's the final straw. The saddest, most depressing part of Halloween, really. I'm no longer in my early twenties, or in college, or living in a body fit for skank attire. It's no longer acceptable to go to the costume store, find the most overpriced skank costume, and prance around like a little whore for a night or two without any judgement.

No more keg stands, no more figuring out which innocent animal or hardworking profession I want to slutify. Now it's just me and my box of Franzia, praying no strangers appear on my doorstep and for a minimal hangover the following day.

I haven't even been able to convince bear to be a slutty bear this year.
Fun sucker, that man is.

Anyways, that's why I feel Halloween sucks.
I'll be over here waiting to overstuff my face with turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes. And also eating all of the candy and not sharing. You're welcome.

Focker out.


  1. October 17, 2013 at 11:27 AM

    I went to Halloween Horror Nights once and I was THE BIGGEST wimp in the history of wimps. Never again. My blood pressure was through the roof the entire time. They sale these Jello shots that look like blood bags, and people dressed as nurses roll them around and sale them. I was on the verge of needing one just to cope with walking through all of the scare zones. Too bad I was underage at the time, ha ha.

    Also, I may never look at cute Disney costumes in the same way.

  2. October 17, 2013 at 11:32 AM

    I hate you for this post. I don't like any of the scary shit or the people taking my candy thing either but umm I LOVE DRESSING UP FOR ANYTHING EVER IN LIFE. Don't you dare take that fun away from me young lady. Bye tripled.

  3. October 17, 2013 at 11:38 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. October 17, 2013 at 11:39 AM

    LOL I accidentally copy pasted my work shat instead of my comment. Thursday office fail.


    I am sad that you hate Halloween. I love it and I thought you could do no wrong in my eyes...

  5. October 17, 2013 at 11:43 AM

    You will NEVER ever get me to pay $90 freakin' dollars to go to Halloween Horror Nights. I will never understand why people pay that much to go and how they actually like it! No thanks... pass the turkey and cranberry sauce please.

  6. October 17, 2013 at 11:44 AM

    It's okay. your little minion over here will slut it up just fine for the both of us. (ugh crap..did I just really write that down?) First single halloween of college? Imma go get it.

  7. October 17, 2013 at 11:46 AM

    WHITNEY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am so saddened by this post, I totally thought we were kindred spirits and would share an overwhelming love for Halloween, and especially costumes. My spirit is crushed and I feel like a baby flying unicorn just died. ;-(


    Sarah @ Life As Always

  8. October 17, 2013 at 11:49 AM

    OMG are you kidding me that cat is Marie from the ARISTOCATS. Not all the people inside the costumes are pervs because once I dated a Goofy and he was pretty hot and normal but there was also this dude who was a Minnie Mouse and he just looked like the kind of guy who would "sell candy" out of his van.

  9. October 17, 2013 at 11:50 AM

    I hate hate hate anything haunted. It's the WORST.
    And people in masks make me want to die. I can't stand not knowing who is under there. FREAKS ME OUT.

  10. October 17, 2013 at 12:03 PM

    Oh, YES, I HATE Halloween, too! The scary movies and haunted house stuff scares the crap out of me. I went to Halloween Horror nights a couple of years ago with my husband (I have no idea why I thought it would be fine?) and it was horrifying. Men chasing you with chain saws and knives and the creepiest haunted places, ever. I'm still recovering.

  11. October 17, 2013 at 12:06 PM

    Oh man I feel ya on Halloween. I'm a wimp and can't even watch scary movie commercials. My heart starts beating out of my chest and I have to scramble to change the channel as quickly as possible! And I never dress up mainly because I always wait til the day before I even start to think about a costume, so then I just end up doing nothing.

  12. October 17, 2013 at 12:08 PM

    I thought I was the only Floridian who was never excited/didn't give a crap about Halloween Horror Nights! You couldn't pay me to go there! I don't get the hype!!!

  13. October 17, 2013 at 12:11 PM

    Oh girl Pittsburgh has a furries convention every year and people go down to just see them and take pictures w. them...creeeeeeeeeeepy!

    I hate hate hate anything remotely scary!! I am like a little girl...I wont even watch scary movies and my husband makes fun of me all the time!! I wont go to a haunted house anymore or any sort of terror night...we went to one at our local park and I was freaked out never again!!!

    so you are not alone!

  14. October 17, 2013 at 12:17 PM

    I am terrified of costumes!!! And of mascots all that crap!! Clowns too OMG freaks me out!!! I hate Halloween!!!!!

  15. October 17, 2013 at 12:27 PM

    HAHA I love this!!! Your blog makes me laugh. It is like every girls thoughts, but you just actually say it ;) love it!!

  16. TKOctober 17, 2013 at 12:27 PM

    I used to LOVE Halloween... but then I went trick or treating (FREE CANDY YAY!) and got candy from a kid younger than me..... I guess I was too old to be trick or treating....

    I also used to love haunted houses, until I saw Paranormal Activity and attracted a boyfriend who loves to talk about his ghostly encounters. Now, I just don't want to. I am in permanent denial of my belief in ghost and I prefer to keep it that way. I don't want to even think about the possibility.

    (but I do want to dress up as a video game character and get free candy? Can adults do that?)

  17. October 17, 2013 at 12:52 PM

    I love Halloween, but I totally feel you about people knocking on your door and the dogs going nuts. So annoying. Luckily, we don't get that many. I used to love haunted houses, until 2011. I blogged about it today, and it is safe to assume that I will never ever go to a haunted house ever again (and I used to love them)!!

  18. October 17, 2013 at 12:54 PM

    I HATE Halloween. Strongly strongly hate it. Costumes where I can't see your face no matter what age you are is not acceptable. It's terrifying!! My heart pounds out of my chest. Refuse to enter a haunted house. Mascots and characters dressed in head to toe costumes absolutely not. I'm with you 100% on that. I think there is a creepy man in there too up to no good.

  19. October 17, 2013 at 1:04 PM

    I seriously don't understand the HHN either. I never went in all my times in Orlando- I refused to spend my money to feel like I was going to pee my pants at any moment. Just no. I agree, too, that with the lack of being able to pull off the whole skanky costume thing anymore...Halloween is quickly loosing it's appeal. And I do not want to share my candy with ANYONE- thanks but no thanks.

  20. October 17, 2013 at 1:07 PM

    You big sissy. A) Disney characters are awesome people, I would know because I worked there. No pedos. B) Dressing up doesn't HAVE to be slutty. Boo, you whore

  21. October 17, 2013 at 1:08 PM

    Adult diapers, aisle 2!?!!! Sweet jesus after reading that I almost had to make a trip down that aisle myself from laughing so hard!

  22. sunshineandthensomeOctober 17, 2013 at 1:13 PM

    Glad I'm not the only Halloween hater out there! Holy.Crap. I could probably vent for days on my hatred of this ridiculous holiday, but I'll sum it up into two categories: kids too young too eat candy & kids too old to be begging for candy. Someone please tell me they greatly dislike this with an inhumane passion too??

  23. October 17, 2013 at 1:17 PM

    I love Marie <3 <3
    OMG when I student teach in Florida next semester we should go to EPCOT and drink all the things around the world!!!

  24. October 17, 2013 at 1:18 PM

    I definitely have worn that same costume, except as a lion. I absolutely love halloween but maybe its because I'm still in my slutty college phase and I'm still looking for an excuse to run around without clothes on?

  25. October 17, 2013 at 1:36 PM

    Haha ... I LOVE THIS!!!!! :)

  26. October 17, 2013 at 1:50 PM

    Omgosh I'm so petrified of people in costumes, especially mascots. Definitely agree there's a pedophile in there :)

  27. October 17, 2013 at 1:50 PM

    Omgosh I'm so petrified of people in costumes, especially mascots. Definitely agree there's a pedophile in there :)

  28. October 17, 2013 at 2:07 PM

    Oh you said it, sister. I am forced to go to HHN every stinkin' year because my boyfriend and his dad made it a tradition and they ALWAYS buy me a fast pass ticket (thinking their doing me a favor) so I am forced to go house after house without giving my poor heart a break so my heart is at 170 bpm for like 3 hours straight.

  29. October 17, 2013 at 2:10 PM

    Finally someone else who hates halloween!! I hate hate hate dressing up in costumes. And I hate people dressed up as characters anywhere and everywhere-- mascots at sports events are the worst. I don't know why people love halloween-- it's just too damn creepy!

  30. October 17, 2013 at 2:14 PM

    As if I thought I couldn't love you anymore... I love this. I actually really like Halloween but you make some valid points my friend. And I seriously wish I knew you back in the day.. keg stands, slutty costumes, ugh we would have been quite the duo.

  31. October 17, 2013 at 2:18 PM

    Hopefully your city doesn't have the zombie pub crawl and I wouldn't recommend looking it up - it happened in Minneapolis last weekend and I avoided that area and my facebook home page like the plague... why with the make up and costumes to look absolutely horrifying. No thanks. P.S. would this be the appropriate place to use *face palm*? - asking for a friend ;)

  32. October 17, 2013 at 2:31 PM

    I'm with you on all things, especially the stupid Haunted House ride... especially the beginning part of it when everyone's in the room... no. Not okay. I went last year with my roommate and RA/friend, and they forced me on the ride - I had my eyes closed THE ENTIRE TIME. Hate it so much.

  33. October 17, 2013 at 2:51 PM

    i agree on all counts. no thank you to halloween, ever. i do not appreciate being scared and giving away my candy. whoever came up with this holiday had some serious issues! let's skip it and go straight to the gift giving and holly jolly festivities!
    Nicole @ A Peek Into New Chapters

  34. October 17, 2013 at 3:04 PM

    i can no longer be a whore. you're too much. you know that?

  35. October 17, 2013 at 3:35 PM

    Halloween stopped being fun around 24. Now I will be lucky if I'm not just drinking the night away.

  36. October 17, 2013 at 3:37 PM

    hahaha, this is too great!

  37. October 17, 2013 at 5:33 PM

    Lol, this is hilarious! I love Halloween, personally, but I'm definitely one of those houses with multiple dogs barking their heads off ALL NIGHT LONG (afternoon included because parents take the younger kiddos out before dark...)

  38. October 17, 2013 at 5:48 PM


    First, you should know that I am pretty much dead inside because I am missing Food & Wine this year. What is the meaning of life without tiny cups of beer cheese soup and tinier cups of overpriced wine? Sad. That's what it is. (Fun fact: Pretty much everyone from my old resort front office would go see Boyz II Men together every year. You haven't known joy till you've seen your manager drunkenly singing along to "I'll Make Love To You."

    But anyway... scary stuff. I don't get it either, yo. I'm cool with the Haunted Mansion (You know, after like a decade of exposure), but you will never get my ass to HHN. If I want people jumping out at me with knives and screaming, I'll just wander through Pine Hills, thanks.

    Oh, and I've totally slept with Tigger, if that makes you feel any better about characters. (Um, not AS Tigger. My freaky isn't that freaky.)

  39. October 17, 2013 at 6:57 PM

    This is great! You pretty much nailed everything I also hate about Halloween, especially the haunted houses and horror nights. Like, why would you want to put yourself right into the middle of a horror movie?!

    Also, I just spent an entire week panicking about what stupid costume I'm going to have to spend money on because we were invited to a Halloween party and I don't wanna go as a slut.I found a cute gnome costume at Target though.

  40. October 17, 2013 at 8:31 PM

    Haha. I used to feel the same exact way, but my son was born last now I kind of adore it. :)

    The Grass Skirt Blog
    Enter my Neutrogena Naturals Giveaway

  41. October 17, 2013 at 8:40 PM

    I agree! I hate haunted houses and I need to tell everyone in college to dress slutty because this is the last time it is okay to do so!

    Sparkles and Shoes

  42. October 17, 2013 at 8:40 PM

    I kinda feel you on this one, especially about the costumes. Now I'm in my thirties and I have no desire to spend money on a costume. I also don't like big characters at Disney or whatever, they freak me out.

    Bella @ Dateless in Dallas

  43. October 17, 2013 at 9:00 PM

    I do the same thing. If I don't go out I turn off the lights. Sorry kids. I think it's weird that strangers come to your door demanding candy.
    Costumes are weird too. I was reading a book where the author dressed up as a "sexy baby." She wore adult diapers and pasties. Really? Babies are not supposed to be sexy. Just weird.
    Although, I did go to an amazing party in Vegas for Halloween called the Fetish and Fantasy Ball. That was fun.

  44. October 17, 2013 at 9:01 PM

    Haunted Houses are hands down the worst thing ever invented! PS - I'm married with a baby and I totally miss the slutty Halloween costumes :(

  45. October 17, 2013 at 10:53 PM

    I HATE SCARY MASKS. And dear lawd I didn't even THINK about all the kinds of crazy Bo is going to go with rando's knocking on the door every five minutes. Tranquilizers needed, for both of us

  46. October 17, 2013 at 11:26 PM

    I am TERRIFIED of people in those damn animal costumes. I spend most of my school football games trying to be as far away from the mascot as possible, I let my guard down one day & it sat next to met & tapped on my should & I almost started hyperventilating. Worst.Nightmare. I've always been afraid of them since I was a kid.


  47. October 18, 2013 at 12:01 AM

    Girrrl, I can totally relate to this! Besides the fact that I love Halloween for the dressing up in fun costumes (my slutty costume days are over now too haha), I absolutely can't stand anything scary. I'm the type that will freak out and close my eyes and sing a happy song in my head if a scary movie preview pops up while watching TV. I am a total scaredy cat! Glad to know i'm not the only wuss :-)

  48. October 18, 2013 at 1:32 AM

    While I have several friends that are terrified of anything having to do with Halloween, I have always loved it. But I think this affinity for costumes and scary tales comes from the fact that my birthday is 2 days before Halloween (making for a lot of costume parties). To this day I love dressing up in costumes and partying my little heart out. While my slutty costume days are probably behind me (you can read all about them on the link below), I can still be sexy or sensual. And so can you! :D Or you can just be something fun! I'm thinking of dressing up in a Pop Art costume.

    Lynsey | Eternally WanderLyn

  49. October 18, 2013 at 6:32 AM

    Heck… why aren’t the iPhones transparent!? that would be really awesome.

  50. October 18, 2013 at 7:07 AM

    Halloween in South Africa is the most unfestive thing in the world!! Sounds like people go ALL OUT in the US.. I've always actually really liked Halloween - rent a good horror etc... :) I try make good parties. Hahaha sorry whit ;)
    Enjoy your night whatever you do :)

  51. October 18, 2013 at 8:59 AM

    I hate Halloween too! I grew up just never celebrating it and I never really got the catch to it. I mean, I would rather go to the drug store the day after Halloween and get all the candy discounted and have my own personal Halloween on November 1st and watch Sex & The City. Yup, that's me.

    - Marissa & For Glitz & Giggles

  52. October 18, 2013 at 9:22 AM

    I'm with you Whitney!!! Halloween Horror Nights especially...lets pay $100 to go stand in line forever cringing the whole time...what?!!! xo!

  53. October 18, 2013 at 12:08 PM

    I LOVE ALL THE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT HALLOWEEN! Apart from people sharing your sweets, that's just not okay.

  54. October 18, 2013 at 1:09 PM

    Halloween isn't really a big deal at all in England, there are costume and events but nothing ever like this x

    Heather | Of Beauty & Nothingness

  55. October 19, 2013 at 9:16 AM

    Someone with the fear of people in costume woohoo thought I was the only one Im ok with people dressed as princess when i can still see their face but if they are in full costume with the heads I imagine them naked inside and it freaks me out so bad!

    Carrieanne x

  56. October 19, 2013 at 1:06 PM

    This post made me love reading your blog that much more!


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