Today, a letter to my alarm clock:
Dearest Alarm Clock,
I feel I do a pretty bang up job making you feel special and loved.
I mean, I turn you on at least 5 days a week. Ask most men, they'd love to be turned on 5 days a week.
bang tap you a little in the mornings. Again, ask most men, a little morning tap is a good thing.
Yes, I know I push your buttons from time to time but I feel I'm a pretty great companion to you.
I don't understand why you feel the need to scream in my ear when I'm out cold. Do you know what this does to me?
If my main hair coloring homeboy, Julienne, wasn't such a champ at his job I would fear going grey before I hit 30 because of you.
Waking a sleeping person by scaring them shitless is really bad form.
Really bad form, actually. Once I attempted to wake a sleeping drunk person by scaring them... they peed their self.
I'm not trying to pee myself before 8am while sober, ya heard?
Also, I know you heard me and the boyfriend putting down that extra large bottle of cab last night.
You may not be aware but we don't buy the expensive shit.
A quick lesson for you, cheap wine usually means headache in the morning. You know, the way I assume cheap batteries would make you feel.
Yes, I had a headache this morning - in case you were wondering. You made it worse, you big ass hole.
The next time you feel so inclined as to continually scream in my ear at 7am at least bring me a bagel and coffee. You know, common courtesy for the passed out working girl.
I don't get to snooze all day like you do, you lazy ass.
Thanks for your time, enjoy your snooze all weekend long.
I'll hate your stinking guts if you pull this shit tomorrow or Sunday morning.
Keep in mind, I know you prefer Duracell but I have the power to put Walmart brand in your ass.
Get the picture?